"It ain't like her,"

Everyone sat around the table, eating dinner and discussing the day's events. All except Lou. And by proxy, Jimmy, because all he'd done was worry about why she hadn't come back from her ride.

"Jimmy, like I said, I heard there was some storms rollin' down from Sioux country. She prob'ly just decided to wait 'em out. You know they get rough this time a'year," Teaspoon attempted to reassure him, but he knew better. He knew damn well Lou would ride through hell and high water, so long as her horse wasn't in danger.

"I'm just sayin'..."

"Why you so concerned anyways, Jimmy? Ain't like she ain't ever been late before,"

The table went quiet for a second. Kid had been pretty quiet the whole meal and everybody knew why. And Jimmy actually held quite a bit of sympathy for him, right up until that moment. The tone in Kid's voice was more than enough to have Jimmy's shoving up off the table and towering above him.

"'Cause, Kid. She's my friend. I remember when she could say the same about you,"

With that, he turned and snatched his hat off the wall, slamming the door behind him in the process. It didn't take him long to grab a horse out of the barn and lead it out into the cool night air.

"Where do you think you're goin', son?" Teaspoon stood on the porch to the main house, smoking his cigar and eyeing Jimmy. The old man's gaze was enough to make Jimmy pause long enough to give him an answer.

"Teaspoon, somethin' 'bout this ain't right. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna sit around here while he doesn't seem ta give one damn about her,"

"You doin' this for her, son? Or for you?"

"For both of us," And before Teaspoon could say another word, he was gone.

Alright. So I've kinda been gone a while and in the process, a few people got screwed over in RP and such. I can't even begin to tell you how terrible I feel about it. I've been defriended by a few people, which is something I completely understand and accept. I'd just like the opportunity to offer an explanation.

Not very many people (except maybe Emma's mun) know this, but I was in a pretty rough relationship a few months ago. We'd been together for a long time, but things got... let's just go with bad, and I had to move. I moved out of state with no money and no job. Needless to say, things were not great. I had no internet and no way to get online to tell anyone what was going on. Plus, I felt at the time like I didn't need to explain all the personal private stuff, because really... it was personal and private. BUT, I also didn't think I would be gone nearly as long as I was, either.

There are other reasons I wasn't on that are more medical, but I won't get into that, because frankly, I'm not ready to talk about it. I'm going to be crossposting this to all of my journals, because unfortunately there are numerous people who've played in depth with a lot of my muses and this affected a few of them a great deal.

I sincerely apologize to anyone who got hurt or upset about my disappearing. Same goes for their muses. If this could have been avoided, it would have been. And believe me, I know how it feels to have someone up and stop playing with you without explanation one. *eyes and pets Cassandra* Please know it was never my intention to screw anyone over or hurt anyone's feelings. I tried to downplay this as much as possible, but once I realized just how many people had dumped me from their friends' lists, I was kinda taken aback. I understand it, it was just... surprising is all.

Again, I'm sorry. I'm not mad or upset with anyone, swear to God. I just felt like I owed a lot of people an explanation.

She's pretty much everything you could ask for and a whole lot more. It's a shame he don't ever see it.

Hurtin's all I got ta give.

Been that way since I was a kid, I guess, me bein' alone. Which, really, when ya think about it, don't make a whole lotta sense. Grew up in a big family. Lotsa uncles and aunts and cousins, not ta mention my brothers and sisters. But I was always alone. A lotta times it was just the choice I made, goin' off while everyone else played. I spent a lotta time out in the loft of the barn or out in the woods by the house, just tryin' ta be alone.

I think that's why I went with the Judge in the first place. I decided alone wasn't so great, ya know? But in the end, I woulda been better off that way. I'da never become so good with the one reason I'll probably be alone for the rest of my life.

These guns are the reason I'm alone now. I ain't alone in the sense that there ain't abody around. There's quite a few of 'em, actually. Cody's snorin', Buck and Ike are signin' somethin' to each other, Lou's pretendin' ta sleep even if I know she has a hard time whenever Kid's on a run. They're here, but it don't make me one of 'em. They're my family, but I'm still alone. Always gonna be, I think. Maybe it was just meant ta be that way.

You know that look you get when you've done something someone ain't ever gonna forget?

I get that look damn near every day from the Kid anymore. Like I kicked his dog or somethin'. And I'd love ta be all smug about it and say that it's 'cause of Lou, but it ain't just that. Things've been brewin' with the Kid and I for a long time. Probably from the beginnin'. He and I? We're just different kind of people is all. And no matter what kind of looks The Kid gives me, I'd lay my life on the line for him and I know he'd do the same for me. We're brothers in a way. In a I don't think you deserve your woman kinda way. In a you think you're always right but I think you're a plain fool kinda way. In a way that no one's ever gonna change. Not her, not Teaspoon, not no war, and not that glare he's throwin' at me right now. He thinks I ain't payin' attention, but he should know better. I've gotten pretty damn good at bein' aware of my surroundings and believe you me, the reasons I've had to is usually why he's so angry with me ta begin with. He'll say somethin' and try and be all smart with me and I'll say somethin' back and one of us will end up in the sweatlodge before its all said and done. He's suckerpunched me, called me just about everything in the book and damn near shot me on a couple of occasions. None of it bothers me as much as that look of hatred he's got now.

This ain't about Lou. This is about war and fightin' for what ya believe in. He's for slavery and I'm against. Nothin's ever gonna change that. He and I? We're just different kind of people is all.

She tastes like honey. Or maybe it's chocolate. Something sweet. Dangerous. Of course, she ain't dangerous. Not unless you make her mad, and I don't recommend you do that. She's meaner than a snake on a bad day and crossing her is like trying to ride into a tornado. I kinda like it when she's like that, though. It lets me know that somewhere inside her, she's probably a lot more like me than she'll admit. Wild and fierce and angry at a world that can't quite seem to hold her. Angry at him for trying to hold her.

She loves him. I know that. And he's my best friend and I shouldn't even look at her the way I do. It ain't right. But I'll be damned if I'm gonna hurt her like he does. He breaks her heart and it makes me want to break something else in him. Anything. She deserves so much.

It's why I can't have her. That's also why you won't catch me drinkin' tea or eatin' sweets. They taste like she does in my dreams.

You gave me your word, but words for you are lies -- Quarterflash

That's the way it is with a lot of folks. People talk a lot, but there ain't really nothin' there to back it up. There are a few people though, that I have trusted no matter what. And only one of 'em that I grew up with. Wish I woulda known sooner what a snake he was. Before I left the Judge's, there wasn't a man alive other than Brad that I would have trusted at my back. He was my best friend.

The Judge... it's his fault, really. He put Brad and I at odds from day one. Always tryin' ta see who could outshoot the other, who was quicker on the draw. I guess I shoulda seen it comin'. We both wanted the Judge's approval, but Brad didn't just want it. He needed it.

Clare died on account of him. Him and the Judge. And Brad died on account of the lie he told me. If he hadn't told me Clare had been kidnapped, instead of just run off, then she never would have died.

It's strange, but every time I look at these colts; the matched pair; I see Brad. And it reminds me that there ain't all that big a difference between myself and Brad. Just like the colts, it's all in how you handle things.

"I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game..." -- Wicked

There's always somebody who wants to tell ya what to do and how ta be doin' it. Now, normally, despite all that, you still get ta live your life however you see fit. Ya get ta earn your own way and start a family. Or just roam around in the wild 'til the day you die.

I ain't that somebody. I've always had people tellin' me what ta do, but more than that, I've had people lyin' and manipulating me to get what they want. Seems strange, 'cause everybody that knows me would tell ya I ain't exactly a pushover. But it always seems like I'm livin' my life by other body's rules.

The Judge, Sarah Downs, Teaspoon (even though I know he means well, and he's probably right in what he's tryin to teach me), J.D. Marcus...

Marcus. The man that changed my life forever and will be the death of me, I know. Before him, I was just a rider for the Pony Express. Alright, maybe I was a little hotheaded and capable of findin' my own trouble, but hell, ain't that my right? But now, he's made sure that trouble will find me no matter where I go or what I choose to be doin'. And now, there are a lot of choices I can't make anymore.

He took away the rest of my life and gave me this new one. He killed James Butler Hickok and left in his place a man named Wild Bill. He didn't kill him with a gun or a knife. There was no shootout or fight. He cut the man out with a pen and filled his veins with ink. He wrote Wild Bill into existence and now the damnable man won't leave me be. The people I love with never be safe. My family... my home. I'm gonna have to leave them all behind someday, because of Marcus' game.

Well I don't like his game. But I know I have to play by the rules of it now, or I'll end up dead. Don't seem rightly fair. Not fair at all.