"It ain't like her,"

Everyone sat around the table, eating dinner and discussing the day's events. All except Lou. And by proxy, Jimmy, because all he'd done was worry about why she hadn't come back from her ride.

"Jimmy, like I said, I heard there was some storms rollin' down from Sioux country. She prob'ly just decided to wait 'em out. You know they get rough this time a'year," Teaspoon attempted to reassure him, but he knew better. He knew damn well Lou would ride through hell and high water, so long as her horse wasn't in danger.

"I'm just sayin'..."

"Why you so concerned anyways, Jimmy? Ain't like she ain't ever been late before,"

The table went quiet for a second. Kid had been pretty quiet the whole meal and everybody knew why. And Jimmy actually held quite a bit of sympathy for him, right up until that moment. The tone in Kid's voice was more than enough to have Jimmy's shoving up off the table and towering above him.

"'Cause, Kid. She's my friend. I remember when she could say the same about you,"

With that, he turned and snatched his hat off the wall, slamming the door behind him in the process. It didn't take him long to grab a horse out of the barn and lead it out into the cool night air.

"Where do you think you're goin', son?" Teaspoon stood on the porch to the main house, smoking his cigar and eyeing Jimmy. The old man's gaze was enough to make Jimmy pause long enough to give him an answer.

"Teaspoon, somethin' 'bout this ain't right. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna sit around here while he doesn't seem ta give one damn about her,"

"You doin' this for her, son? Or for you?"

"For both of us," And before Teaspoon could say another word, he was gone.

Alright. So I've kinda been gone a while and in the process, a few people got screwed over in RP and such. I can't even begin to tell you how terrible I feel about it. I've been defriended by a few people, which is something I completely understand and accept. I'd just like the opportunity to offer an explanation.

Not very many people (except maybe Emma's mun) know this, but I was in a pretty rough relationship a few months ago. We'd been together for a long time, but things got... let's just go with bad, and I had to move. I moved out of state with no money and no job. Needless to say, things were not great. I had no internet and no way to get online to tell anyone what was going on. Plus, I felt at the time like I didn't need to explain all the personal private stuff, because really... it was personal and private. BUT, I also didn't think I would be gone nearly as long as I was, either.

There are other reasons I wasn't on that are more medical, but I won't get into that, because frankly, I'm not ready to talk about it. I'm going to be crossposting this to all of my journals, because unfortunately there are numerous people who've played in depth with a lot of my muses and this affected a few of them a great deal.

I sincerely apologize to anyone who got hurt or upset about my disappearing. Same goes for their muses. If this could have been avoided, it would have been. And believe me, I know how it feels to have someone up and stop playing with you without explanation one. *eyes and pets Cassandra* Please know it was never my intention to screw anyone over or hurt anyone's feelings. I tried to downplay this as much as possible, but once I realized just how many people had dumped me from their friends' lists, I was kinda taken aback. I understand it, it was just... surprising is all.

Again, I'm sorry. I'm not mad or upset with anyone, swear to God. I just felt like I owed a lot of people an explanation.

She's pretty much everything you could ask for and a whole lot more. It's a shame he don't ever see it.

Hurtin's all I got ta give.

Been that way since I was a kid, I guess, me bein' alone. Which, really, when ya think about it, don't make a whole lotta sense. Grew up in a big family. Lotsa uncles and aunts and cousins, not ta mention my brothers and sisters. But I was always alone. A lotta times it was just the choice I made, goin' off while everyone else played. I spent a lotta time out in the loft of the barn or out in the woods by the house, just tryin' ta be alone.

I think that's why I went with the Judge in the first place. I decided alone wasn't so great, ya know? But in the end, I woulda been better off that way. I'da never become so good with the one reason I'll probably be alone for the rest of my life.

These guns are the reason I'm alone now. I ain't alone in the sense that there ain't abody around. There's quite a few of 'em, actually. Cody's snorin', Buck and Ike are signin' somethin' to each other, Lou's pretendin' ta sleep even if I know she has a hard time whenever Kid's on a run. They're here, but it don't make me one of 'em. They're my family, but I'm still alone. Always gonna be, I think. Maybe it was just meant ta be that way.

You know that look you get when you've done something someone ain't ever gonna forget?

I get that look damn near every day from the Kid anymore. Like I kicked his dog or somethin'. And I'd love ta be all smug about it and say that it's 'cause of Lou, but it ain't just that. Things've been brewin' with the Kid and I for a long time. Probably from the beginnin'. He and I? We're just different kind of people is all. And no matter what kind of looks The Kid gives me, I'd lay my life on the line for him and I know he'd do the same for me. We're brothers in a way. In a I don't think you deserve your woman kinda way. In a you think you're always right but I think you're a plain fool kinda way. In a way that no one's ever gonna change. Not her, not Teaspoon, not no war, and not that glare he's throwin' at me right now. He thinks I ain't payin' attention, but he should know better. I've gotten pretty damn good at bein' aware of my surroundings and believe you me, the reasons I've had to is usually why he's so angry with me ta begin with. He'll say somethin' and try and be all smart with me and I'll say somethin' back and one of us will end up in the sweatlodge before its all said and done. He's suckerpunched me, called me just about everything in the book and damn near shot me on a couple of occasions. None of it bothers me as much as that look of hatred he's got now.

This ain't about Lou. This is about war and fightin' for what ya believe in. He's for slavery and I'm against. Nothin's ever gonna change that. He and I? We're just different kind of people is all.

She tastes like honey. Or maybe it's chocolate. Something sweet. Dangerous. Of course, she ain't dangerous. Not unless you make her mad, and I don't recommend you do that. She's meaner than a snake on a bad day and crossing her is like trying to ride into a tornado. I kinda like it when she's like that, though. It lets me know that somewhere inside her, she's probably a lot more like me than she'll admit. Wild and fierce and angry at a world that can't quite seem to hold her. Angry at him for trying to hold her.

She loves him. I know that. And he's my best friend and I shouldn't even look at her the way I do. It ain't right. But I'll be damned if I'm gonna hurt her like he does. He breaks her heart and it makes me want to break something else in him. Anything. She deserves so much.

It's why I can't have her. That's also why you won't catch me drinkin' tea or eatin' sweets. They taste like she does in my dreams.

You gave me your word, but words for you are lies -- Quarterflash

That's the way it is with a lot of folks. People talk a lot, but there ain't really nothin' there to back it up. There are a few people though, that I have trusted no matter what. And only one of 'em that I grew up with. Wish I woulda known sooner what a snake he was. Before I left the Judge's, there wasn't a man alive other than Brad that I would have trusted at my back. He was my best friend.

The Judge... it's his fault, really. He put Brad and I at odds from day one. Always tryin' ta see who could outshoot the other, who was quicker on the draw. I guess I shoulda seen it comin'. We both wanted the Judge's approval, but Brad didn't just want it. He needed it.

Clare died on account of him. Him and the Judge. And Brad died on account of the lie he told me. If he hadn't told me Clare had been kidnapped, instead of just run off, then she never would have died.

It's strange, but every time I look at these colts; the matched pair; I see Brad. And it reminds me that there ain't all that big a difference between myself and Brad. Just like the colts, it's all in how you handle things.

"I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game..." -- Wicked

There's always somebody who wants to tell ya what to do and how ta be doin' it. Now, normally, despite all that, you still get ta live your life however you see fit. Ya get ta earn your own way and start a family. Or just roam around in the wild 'til the day you die.

I ain't that somebody. I've always had people tellin' me what ta do, but more than that, I've had people lyin' and manipulating me to get what they want. Seems strange, 'cause everybody that knows me would tell ya I ain't exactly a pushover. But it always seems like I'm livin' my life by other body's rules.

The Judge, Sarah Downs, Teaspoon (even though I know he means well, and he's probably right in what he's tryin to teach me), J.D. Marcus...

Marcus. The man that changed my life forever and will be the death of me, I know. Before him, I was just a rider for the Pony Express. Alright, maybe I was a little hotheaded and capable of findin' my own trouble, but hell, ain't that my right? But now, he's made sure that trouble will find me no matter where I go or what I choose to be doin'. And now, there are a lot of choices I can't make anymore.

He took away the rest of my life and gave me this new one. He killed James Butler Hickok and left in his place a man named Wild Bill. He didn't kill him with a gun or a knife. There was no shootout or fight. He cut the man out with a pen and filled his veins with ink. He wrote Wild Bill into existence and now the damnable man won't leave me be. The people I love with never be safe. My family... my home. I'm gonna have to leave them all behind someday, because of Marcus' game.

Well I don't like his game. But I know I have to play by the rules of it now, or I'll end up dead. Don't seem rightly fair. Not fair at all.

I hate doing this, but I've decided to withdrawl Jimmy from both RotM and TM. With my two other muses being so vocal, I'm afraid I haven't been able to pay close enough attention to Jimmy. That, and he's become very quiet as of late. I think he's lonely... I don't know. I just hope that someone who loves him like I do can pick him up and write for him. Thanks to everyone who's given feedback and especially to BOTH Claire!muns and kiowa_son for interacting with him.

Drea

All I know is there ain't ever enough of it in this world.

Teaspoon always tells me I should stop and smell the roses and even though I always tell him that Rachel ain't growin' any and that he don't make no sense, I know what he means. He's been convinced from the very beginning of this here Pony Express that I've been on the road ta hell on the fastest horse I can find, and hell, maybe he's right. I mean, I ain't exactly known as the most careful rider in the world.

But I ain't supposed ta be talkin' about me. I'm supposed ta be talkin' about time. Ya know, Lou once asked me if I thought about where we'd all be in five years or even ten. And I told her I didn't think about it. Truth be told, I hadn't thought about it until that very moment. I guess in my stupidity, I thought we'd all be together forever. Don't get me wrong now, I'm fully aware that the war was comin' and that chances were good that the Pony Express was goin' the way of the Plains Indians, but... I still just thought we'd all be together. That we had all the time in the world ta live and laugh... maybe even love.

We don't. I don't. Time is short. Stop and smell the roses. All of 'em. Even the ones that ya cain't see.

There ain't a whole lotta things in life more fragile than life itself. I think most people take livin' for granted, like it's somethin' that's theirs and it can't be taken away. But I know the truth. I've seen it taken away.

When Ike died, he was still a kid. Just like me, and just like all of the other riders. He was young and in love and he had all of it taken away from him. Damn foolish thing he did, runnin' into that saloon tryin' ta save Emily, but I woulda done the same if it had been someone I loved.

Yeah, I've seen it taken away, and I've done my fair share of takin' as well. Longley... Longley asked for it. He didn't give me no choice, and I ain't sure I wanted one. That's what Emma said, and I ain't so sure she's wrong. But that woman in Blue Creek who ran out in front of me... she didn't ask for it. Her husband didn't ask for her to die.

Alls I know is that all the dyin' I've seen makes me wanna live like there's no tomorrow. 'Cause for a man like me, I don't know if I'll ever get ta see it.

Guilt	What is yours?	Explain yourself
Culinary:	Cherry Pie	Emma used ta make this amazin' pie. I mean, I could eat the whole thing in one sittin' if she'd ever have let me.
Literary:	Robinson Crusoe	I only ever read it once. It was the only thing I had left ta remind me of Clara. She tried ta teach me ta read with that book, but the Judge said I didn't need to learn it. I think maybe I read it later on just ta spite him.
Audiovisual:	I ain't quite sure what that means...
Musical:	Trumpet	It was the only thing playin when Lou and I danced in Willow Springs. I ain't ever gonna forget it.
Celebrity:	William F. Cody	He ain't famous yet, (don't tell him I said that...) but I got a feelin' someday he will be.

Now I tag:-

kiowa_son clairebennet donanwoodswitch save_claire and shaman_x


to complete this same Quiz, Its HERE.

Tags: guilt meme

There are all kinds of silences in the world. There's that early mornin' silence, where it feels like the whole world is still asleep and you're all alone in it. There's the silence when everyone's gone to bed, where all you can do is lay in your bunk and think about all the mistakes you made in your life.

And then there's the silence that comes after you shoot a man.

That's the worst silence in the world. And there can be a million things goin' on around ya, but you don't hear none of 'em. You ain't seein' or hearin' nothin' but blood and your own heart poundin' in your chest. Can't say as I rightly know why that is, but I know how much I hate it. Leaves a bitter taste in your mouth, so much so that you just want a glass of whiskey to kill all the bitterness. Ta wash your sins away. But it don't. And the silence gets longer every time ya do it. I worry that maybe a man like me could go on his whole life not hearin' a thing with the way things are goin'.

Makes me sad, 'cause then I'd miss all those other silences I've gotten so comfortable with.

I don't think I ever had a birthday party. When I was a kid, my daddy was too busy with the abolitionists to bother with us kids, unless we were helpin' him. And with all of us kids, mama had a hell of a time anyway. So when my birthday came 'round, I just stayed away. I'd go to the market and maybe pick up some candy for the others, or even just walk around our property doin' nothing. I didn't want her ta have to worry about makin' a cake or nothin', so I'd always come back right after dinner. She'd always look at me with the saddest eyes I ever saw, but I knew I was doin' a her a favor. I didn't ever want her runnin' around the kitchen the way she did when daddy was there. She always looked so worried, and I can't say I blame her. For all the good he did for other people, he was just as mean ta her. He never cared about birthdays or presents. He cared about his job and makin' sure dinner was ready on time. I loved my mama enough to keep her from doin' it. It was just another day in the Hickok home. Every year though, after I would come home, I found a shiny new ten cent piece under my pillow when I went ta bed. I didn't ever ask her about it, but then again, I never had to. It was our little secret. And it was better than any stupid party, anyway.

I can tell ya one thing. Life is full of 'em. I seen 'em happen all my life and they always surprise you. I ain't real sure why, but they always do.

Longley. That's probably the most disappointin' thing ta ever happen to me. I always think there had ta have been a way ta avoid that whole mess, but the man had it comin'. Ta come chargin' into Tompkins' store and demand an apology for spookin' his horse, without even knowin' I'd done it? And then tryin' ta talk about my mother... If he'd have just let well enough alone at that, after Kid got in the way and stopped a killin', he coulda gone his way and I coulda gone mine. But he had ta go and hurt Emma by takin' her daddy's watch as a bribe to leave me be, knowin' full well he wouldn't ever do such a thing. It was too much.

It disappointed me that she asked me ta apologize to him. It disappointed me more that I cared so much about her to agree to it. She asked me ta go say I was sorry, 'cause a man like Longley doesn't abide an insult. But I knew better. I knew he'd never just accept an apology, but she asked me to and I had ta try. And as I stood there, swallowin' my pride and hearin' him ask me to shine his shoes, I had a little hope. I hoped that maybe he just wanted ta embarass me and be done with it. I hoped I could get Emma's watch back and forget this whole mess.

I shoulda never hoped. When I shot him, I had that moment that I think everyone must get the first time they haveta kill a man. And in that moment, I had a feelin' that my life would never be the same. I was always gonna be a killer, livin' by my wits and a pearl handled Colt.

Ain't nothin' more disappointin' than that.

Sure. What I don't believe in are those silly stories Cody reads before we all go ta bed. Who's gonna believe somethin' like that, right? Well, other than Cody anyway. I don't get why he likes those stories. They're all written by someone just out ta take a body's money. Written by people like Marcus. At least he stopped readin' THOSE dime novels about gunslingers and 'Wild West' heroes.

The ghosts I believe in are the kind that a body doesn't write about. I'm sure somebody'll write about 'em someday, but it ain't gonna be me. Ghosts like Longley. Like that woman who jumped out in the middle of the street when some fool drew on me. I don't even know her name... Like Elias Mills. I didn't even have anything to do with Elias bein' hung, but it still follows me like a shadow. If Lou'd never said what she said about the whole thing; about lookin' at Elias bein' like lookin' in a mirror; I think he'd still be there.

So, yeah, I believe in ghosts. Seem ta be the only things I got ta keep me company these days.

Cowpies.

I'm an irredeemably eejitous, moderate, not-too-generous, not-too-selfish, relatively well adjusted human being!
What are you?
Brought to you by Rum and Monkey

I suppose I'm supposed ta talk about what goes on in my head at night. All I know is that I prefer daytime. You can see things clearer in the day. People shootin' at ya, who your friends are, the truth... everything is easier to see in the light. The fact is that only a few good things have ever happened at night, at least to me. And I'd rather talk about the good things.

( Willow Springs... )
Maybe I don't have a problem with night, so much as I have issue with the dreams that come with it. The dreams... and nightmares.